Porno for Pyros - Porno for Pyros (1993)

I attribute my loss of innocence entirely to this album. The song that came up was, "Blood Rag" by Porno For Pyros. Even the name of the band is risque.

Part 1 - It was 1993 when I first heard this album. I found it in my grandparents CD collection which was comprised mostly of Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett. It must have belonged to my cousin Beth who was living with my grandparents at the time. My cousins Jacob and Sam found it and were like, "What is this doing here?" and put it on. The first song they put on was, "Orgasm". Which to this day I have tried to emulate the feel and the bassline continuously in my personal music. This album had so many wordw that were introduced into my vocabulary my too soon - Porno, Pyro, Orgasm, Come, Bad Shit, Blood Rag - to name a few. Of course the name, "Porno for Pyros" and the name, "Orgasm" raised a lot of questions in my mind. "What is 'porno'?" - being the most relevant.

Fast forward one year -

I am now in the 4th grade and I'm 10 years old. Are all of you ready for a true coming-of-age tale? This is the story of my first experience with poronography! My friend David from Jesus Chapel had come over to spend the night. We went for a walk and we walked to my church. It was there (at church of all places) where we found a dried up, crusty porno. The church had a very large plot of land was frequently irrigated. Some pervo must have thrown the porn into the canal and it washed up into the church. So, we found it and we're completely confused. I remember from listening to the Porno For Pyros CD that my cousins had given me a very vague explanation of what porno was. They just told me it was pictures of naked people and that an orgasm was a "funny tickle". When we came upon this washed up porn, I realized that this is what they were talking about. We couldn't believe it! I'll never forget the images I saw that day. It was two girls and one guy. One was blonde with long hair, one was a brunette with short hair. The guy was very muscular and tan.

Rewind 6 years -

I remember my mother telling me that boys have an "outtie" and girls have an "innie". I was sure it meant that girls did not have a penis, but if there was no penis, then what was there? I just imagined a Barbie doll.

Back to the story...

So I saw a va-jay-jay for the first time. And everything had come to light. It was weird in a few ways. It was surprising to actually see that there was no penis there and was more surprising to see what looked to me like a second mouth. David and I kept trying to figure it out. And both of these girls were performing oral sex on the guy. This was even weirder. We thought he was peeing in their mouth! How gross! But the weirdest part was that this guy was HUGE, it looked, to my young mind, like a baseball bat! I had never seen an adult male erect penis before. And thank God I hadn't! Or I would be telling this story on a couch instead of on a blog. I remember it making me feel ashamed about my body for the first time, when I made a mental comparison of his Kielbasa compared to my pre-puberty Vienna! In the next frame he was inside one of them and it was more confusing that the girl looked like she was in pain. *She was actually doing that thing that girls do when they breathe in through their teeth and make a hiss face when they are really enjoying themselves.* (I know this now.) I had seen boobies before so I was not surprised by those but they were nice to look at. We crumbled it up and threw it behind the wall. And spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what we had just seen. Inside the porno I saw the word, "orgasm" and remembered the song. And I realized what this band is all about. David must have had crazy dreams that night, because he wet the bed and I never invited him back.

Part II - Fast forward to 1999

I was very into Jane's Addiction in High School as a Freshman and Sophomore. I think I drew everybody crazy with Perry Ferrel's screaming voice. And of course Jane's Addiction led me to Porno for Pyros again. I had not made a connection until then, that this was the same band that I heard as a little kid. I bought it at All That Music for $6.99 in the used CD pile which was thrilling. And "Pets" had become my favorite song. Which is the only modest song on the album. I was in a speech class where I met a girl named Amy. And she was the only other girl that had ever heard of Porno For Pyros. And we were talking about it and at the same time we shouted out, "'Pets' is so cool!" This single event caused me to crush on her. Sometime later , during class time I went out to use the restroom and I caught her making out in the hall with a girl who I had previously dated as a Freshman. This really hurt my feelings. On two levels - 1) I lost Amy and 2) I felt like I made the other girl gay. I can't remember her name.


Part III - Fast Forward to 2002/2003

At this period in my life, everybody I knew had been gaining some sexual experience. And some of the girls that I would talk to who had had sex said they never achieved orgasm. Maybe by themselves but not with a guy, anyway. And the album immediately came back to mind with the lyrics, "I met a girl who never had an orgasm / I can't believe she had never had one / Sit back, just let yourself relax" racing through my head. I always wanted to play the girls this song to tell them they are not alone. I guess eventually they had all overcome this obstacle. Yay for them.

Lesson learned: Pornography and Porno For Pyros should be avoided by youngsters at ALL costs. It is a terrific album, but very detrimental to a youngster's vocabulary and sexual development.

THE END.

Destroy your innocence here: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=ltvdg673

The Smashing Pumpkins - Pisces Iscariot (1994)

Ok, I got about 20 mins here so I'll make this quick. Pisces Iscariot was a fucking brilliant name for a record! About once a year I slap myself for not thinking of it first. The song that came up today was "A Girl Named Sandoz". I must admit I was never really crazy about this song but I has grown on me. It a cover from The Animals. I bought Pisces Iscariot in 1998 from Blockbuster music. Remember that place? It was so cool. They would open up the CDs for you and let you listen to them way before Internet streaming was available. Thanks to the internet and MP3"s blockbuster has officially closed. I got it in October 1998. It was my second smashing pumpkins CD after Siamese Dream. This album reminds me of very boring times. At the school I used to attend we has a year round schedule so we went early in the summer time and come October we would have the whole month off. I was a freshman in high school so no car. I was stuck at home listening to Pisces Iscariot. All the kids at school though I was so geek because I liked the smashing pumpkins. Everyone was really into KORN and Limp Bizkit which I for the most part dislike. I missed the pumpkin train in the early 90's when I was stuck listing to shitty Christian music like DC Talk and Carmen because thats all my mom would let me listen to. No offense to Christianity but I just don't like the music as a genre. Its very "Inside the Box." I remember being a the music store and trying to decide between "Is this desire? by PJ Harvey, which had just come out, or this one. I chose and the rest is history. In retrospect I like "Is This Desire?" much more. My main memory of A Girl Named Sandoz was that when I was on these intercessions my mom would make me do a bunch of weird projects around the house. I was listening to this while I was trying to refinish an old oak gate that was outside. I remember being pissed off that the power sander I was using was drowning out the sound and I couldn't take the album all in. I must say that Pisces Iscariot is one of the weaker SP releases but there are some great songs on it that remain in circulation to this day. Frail and Bedazzled and the Landslide cover remain some of my favorites.

Listen Here: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=YKVXT7KI

Danzig - Danzig (1988)

Oh How Hilarious, Danzig! It's been some months since my last post. I have been very busy trying to graduate and I forgot about this blog. Now that I have a little time all start maintaining it. So I fired up itunes today, turned on shuffle and boom! Mother by Danzig comes on. Oh what to say? I love this stupid song! I had first heard it at the T-Lounge, an old club I used to go to, when a band called EGON covered it. They made this big announcement that Glenn Danzig was in the house. I kinda believed it but was skeptical. Anyone who has ever even known a rocker has probably heard of Glenn Danzig. He was the singer from The Misfits, the 70's Misfits, not the shitty 90's re-vamp. You know that band that with the crimson ghost skull logo. You always see these kids wearing T-Shirts and they have stickers and various other accessories with this image. That's the Misfits. The funny thing about these kids is that only a hand full of them have actually listened to the music. I knew a bunch of these kids in high school and there are even more of them now. I talked to this kid I tutor who had a Misfits T-Shirt and I was like "cool band man!, What your favorite song?" And he said just bought the shirt at Hot Topic cause it looked cool. Fuck! The trend continues. Anyway I have never owned a Misfits t-shirt and didn't even hear the band until 2006. I did however pretend to know about their music in high school. The few real fans would always talk about Danzig Misfits vs. Graves Misfits and that when Danzig was this singer the band was much better. So I would bullshit and agree that Danzig Misfits were so much cooler. Poser, yes I know. But later on on 2006 I had decided to educated myself of the history of punk rock and the Misfits were at the top of my list of band to explore. So I actually did get very into them and now I get why they still sell their shit at Hot Topic.
So the Misfits led me to Danzig. After Glenn Danzig had left the Misfits. He did his own solo album and called it "Danzig" The first single he put out was Mother. I remembered hearing the EGON cover the song and I was like "Yeah, this rocks." Danzig really isn't my style. I generally do not like metal but something about Mother really hooked me. I couldn't place it. Then I remembered this reference I had heard on an album Stephanie (a high school friend) had given me along time before. It was on Gizmodgery by Self. The song was "Trunk Fulla Amps" the lyrics go like this.

i've got a trunk fulla amps, motherfucker
like freddy mercury, mother-fucker
i've got a trunk fulla amps, motherfucker
got a trunk fulla amps, motherfucker

i've got a trunkfulla amps, motherfucker
like elo, mamma-fucker
i've got a trunk fulla amps, motherfucker
got a trunk fulla amps, motherfucker

i've got amps from sellin' stamps, motherfucker like glen danzig, MOOOOTHERRR-fucker
i've got amps from sellin' stamps, motherfucker
i've got amps from sellin' stamps, motherfucker

i've got a trunk fulla amps, motherfucker
like lenny kravitz, mother-fucker
i've got a trunk fulla amps, motherfucker
got a trunk fulla amps, motherfucker
fucker
fucker
all right

The singer sings that part exactly like Danzig. As soon as I remembered this I could not stop laughing! I liked the song even more! Ever since then Mother has been in my karaoke repertoire and I sing it ever chance I get. People say I do it very well. Every time I sing it at a bar someone always gives me the "Evil Fingers"
Which always makes me feel a lot cooler than I really am.

Get Danzig here: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=CRQYQZ10

and Gizmodgery Here:http://mediafire.com/?m3omzqnhqoe